• Scratching The Surface Of Crazy
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    First Speed-Bump Of The Night

    | Kansas City, MO, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Coworkers

    (My coworkers and I are outside the front of the store on break, talking, when all of the sudden a man in a blue-hooded unicorn onesie riding a moped blows past, bouncing over the speed bump.)

    Coworker: “It’s not even ten at night yet…”

    Be Malwary Of Your Roommate

    | TX, USA | Roommates, Technology

    (After months of me fixing my roommate’s computer from him installing useless and unneeded programs and removing viruses he got after clicking on random links…)

    Roommate: “If I backed up or copied some of my folders onto a disk or whatever, would it help my computer to run better? Just a simple question from someone who is not sure!”

    Me: “No, it will not. The end user needs to take a few computer classes, learn how to listen to instructions, know what web sites that he needs to avoid, has to stop clicking on every link that comes his way, and maybe, just maybe, his computer will run better.”

    Roommate: “…”

    The Salary Is Soda-pressing

    | USA | Crazy Requests, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

    (I am babysitting a little girl overnight. The mother is paying me a lot less than what I normally charge for babysitting, but I take the job because I have bills to pay and my job teaching preschool pays badly. In this story, the mother has left us $5 to get a ready-made pizza from a chain that advertises $5 pizzas. When we arrive at the chain, which is situated in a discount store, we are told that they are currently out of the ready-made pizzas, and it will be a ten-minute wait. This is acceptable, so we sit at a booth. The pizza chain has a soda fountain which clearly offers free refills, as the employees of the discount store keep coming up to refill their pre-purchased cups. My charge has been eyeing the fountain.)

    Kid: “I’m thirsty.”

    Me: “If you go up to the pizza counter and ask nicely, they’ll probably give you a cup for water.”

    Kid: “I don’t want water. I want a soda.”

    Me: “Unfortunately, your mother didn’t leave us any money for that. Just the pizza, but you’re more than welcome to get that water. Or our pizza will be done in just a few minutes. I think there’s juice at home, if you want to wait until we get our pizza and head back.”

    Kid: “No! I don’t want juice! I don’t want water! I want a soda!”

    Me: “Your mom didn’t leave us money for soda, [Kid]. She only left us enough for the pizza.”

    Kid: “Then you buy it with your money.”

    Me: “I don’t have any money for soda. I only have what your mom left us for pizza.”

    Kid: “What? How can you not have money? Didn’t you just get paid?”

    (I think I stared at her open-mouthed for a full thirty seconds before replying that no, I had not just gotten paid. I have no idea where she got that idea, but while it was the first time a babysitting charge had demanded that I use my own money to buy them something frivolous, it was certainly not the last. It was, however, the last time I sat for her.)

    Death Is Not A Rarity

    | Lafayette, LA, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Family & Kids, Movies & TV

    (My store sells small plush toys amongst other merchandise. A young girl has discovered the My Little Pony ones, and once I let on that I’m familiar with the show, she launches into a speech on which one of her friends is which pony. She has already gone through five of them, leaving only one left.)

    Girl: “And Rarity is my best friend, [Name]. She lives in California and she’s going to die soon!”

    Colorful Language

    | Norman, OK, USA | Language & Words, Roommates, Rude & Risque

    (My best friend and I are roommates and grew up together. My friend is just now starting to realize she is partially color blind. She’s become obsessed with looking at those little color blind tests and trying to make out what it says, and most of the time she has trouble with the red/green ones.)

    Roommate: *hands me her laptop computer* “[My Name], there’s a color blind test thing on this t-shirt online and I can’t really make out what it’s supposed to be. Could you take a look for me?”

    Me: “Sure thing!” *I take the laptop, look at the t-shirt that she’s talking about, and I burst out laughing*

    Roommate: “What?! What is it?!”

    Me: “…It says, ‘F*** the colorblind.'”

    Roommate: “I hate my life.”

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